Don't we have it all?

Looking toward the future. Studying hard. Trying to get top grades. Wanting the faculty to notice my good stuff. Their recommendations will help me get where I'm going, wherever that is. I want it to be where I can be fulfilled and happy. My happiness depends on a lot of people and situations being just the way I want them. I can't worry about how things will turn out. God has brought me thus far; God will not abandon me unless I become unworthy of God's calling.
I would become unworthy if I didn't study with full energy and commitment. Let's see, how did my pastor put it? "Pray as if effort was worthless; work as if prayer had no power." Practical advice. Covers all the bases.
Problem was, I had very little confidence that I could work hard enough or smart enough to succeed in a college career. There was no history to bolster my confidence. Quite the contrary. A glance at the past only proved my inner accuser's case. Praying "As if effort is worthless" was nothing I had to make myself do. It was my lifeline, my only hope of strong efforts paying off.
I had few tools to help me deal with my past. A cold and abusive mother, a distant father, a bully for an older brother, a younger sister that I in turn smacked around when I got the impulse to do so. I don't remember her kicking the dog. Dad was much more comfortable at work than at home.
There was no name for the learning problems I was burdened with. ADHD. Every report card spelled it out in no uncertain terms. "Needs to practice self control". "Needs to try harder to follow directions". "Has the intelligence to be a good student if he would apply himself".
No one noticed the reason why my math grades were so low. I kept getting the numbers mixed up even if the steps were done properly. Numbers dyslexia? Dispensing medicines was out!
So went my school career. I gave myself a "No confidence vote." That was reinforced by being kicked out of middle school for chronic truancy. They sure showed me! When I was missing school I was working at a local fruit and vegetable warehouse.
Unloading 100lb sacks of potatoes from freight cars. Delivering to restaurants and markets. I was not afraid to work.
I gained confidence as a physical person. I drank, I fought, I partied. Several juvenile arrests. I was building a solid self image and had the respect of other troubled kids. I wasn't mean. I was having fun! Most of the time. Being punished was not very enjoyable.
I burned my welcome at two high schools and never finished with a diploma. I was starting to mature and gradually created distance from my low life friends.
That was when I met Karen. While I knew how to navigate among the rougher layers of society, she was a "Good girl" who had very firm knowledge and opinions about how things were supposed to be done in the straight world. She became my guide, critic, teacher, controller. I needed that. Besides she was sooo sexy. Karen resembled a young Elizabeth Taylor. Except for her more firm and confident bearing. Her occasional angry outbursts and put downs of me were far outweighed by the other needs I had. My unconscious theme became, " I don't know. I'm glad Karen does.
You may be asking what this has to do with "Mid-Life Mysteries". There is a direct connection as you will see. You may also be wondering if you have much to learn from someone with my childhood events. Your childhood may have been much less difficult, but I assure you the issues that we have in mid-life are basically similar, the tasks almost identical.
My story may be a little more dramatic, but we will generally have the same issues. You'll see.
Bruce